For several years now I have been working with the elderly, which of course means dealing with death, illness and Dementia on a regular basis. I have helped many families and individuals deal with the struggles that come with aging. I have given advice, been the shoulder to cry on and been the one to take the blame for many things. Now that I have been in this field for several years, it has spilled over into my personal life. My friends ask questions about their elderly family members, how to deal with them, when to move them into a nursing home, which nursing home, what to expect and lots of other things. With this said, I love what I do and I enjoy helping others when I can but I did not expect that it would be this hard to deal with when it happened in my own family.
This past year, I lost two of my grandparents. They were the most wonderful people that I have ever known and they left a legacy to try to follow. Having lost them has made me much more aware of how important it is to spend time with my other set of grandparent, PaHicks and Granny. I love them so much and have had so much fun with them over the years, from bathing in the silver wash basins in the back yard to playing in the worm garden (nobody could grow worms like my PaHicks) to watching Granny cook with my mouth watering.
Recently my PaHicks was placed in a nursing home due to his need for increased care from his Dementia (among other things). I have spent alot of time trying to convince others that he needed to go into the nursing home as that is what would be best for him and everyone else involved. There was of course alot of hesistation about this decision, which is often the case. But things fell into place and PaHicks is now in the nursing home. Then my Granny had surgery so she is there in the nursing home too for rehab so her case is a little different and easier to deal with.
This weekend we are going to visit them in the big city of Andalusia and I find myself constantly wondering what I will find when I get there. I know that PaHicks is in the best place as he could not be maintained at home anymore but how will I feel when I see MY grandfather there in that nursing home? I am worried about how I will feel when I have to turn and walk away, leaving him there. I know that he most likely has no idea who I am and hasn't known in awhile but I don't see him that often. I think it is going to hurt when I go to hug him and he looks at me like he is seeing me for the first time. I look at him and I will think of all the summer days spent barefoot in overalls playing outside or going fishing. I will think of all the hours that we passed sitting on the porch swings just talking the day away about life. I will think of all those things that make him my PaHicks and when he looks at me he will think "who is that and why is she looking at me like that?" I guess I am going to have to face it but it just scares me and makes me very sad. Sad does not really seem to appropriately describe the feelings that I have about the situation but I can't think of a better word....just sad.
I am going to be able to show Granny and PaHicks their newest great grandson and I am so excited to do that. Tucker will never meet his other great grandparents and I want him to at least meet Granny and PaHicks.
I wish that I would have spent more time listening to PaHicks' stories about his life, love and adventures. He lived an amazing life and always provided for his family. He served his country and he served God...what a man....now I am going to see him in a couple of day and hope that it will be a good day and he will remember me....
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